The Nine-Lived Human, The Line from Casablanca and Freaking Out the Janitor

Long time, no blog, I know. The thing was, my life has been pretty empty lately. But now I have something NEW to blog about.

Ready? Here goes...

Right, for a start, forget about nine-lived cats and phoenixes rising from the ashes to live again. Because I have survived everything those things have, and with one life too.

Damn, I'm randomly awesome.

What, you ask yourself, am I talking about?

I'm talking about dealing with the forces of evil. The Darth Vaders of this world. The Voldemorts.

I am speaking, of course, of dealing with Larry's girlfriends.

Still doesn't make sense? Let's go back two days earlier...


TWO DAYS EARLIER.

*Of course, in dialogue, I use Larry's real name. Duh. He uses mine, and I'll replace it with... Peanut Butter. I'll call his (current) girlfriend... Alice. All set? Okay.

Wow, I felt like a duck.

Not that I hate ducks or anything. I actually quite liked them. I mean, they're cute. I just meant, sitting here, next to these two people, I felt like a duck between two swans.

Freeze-frame this moment and you might start to see why...

Larry: Black T-shirt with 'Bite Me' on it, torn jeans. Black hair. Lightly tanned skin. Brown eyes. Sneakers.

Alice: Reddish brown hair, falling in perfect waves past her shoulders. Hazel eyes (contacts. No one could have eyes that pretty naturally.) White T-shirt with big orange and red flowers on it. Sleek black trousers. Sandals.

Me: Brown hair, tangled and messy on account of me not being able to find the comb. Baggy green pants with red flowers twisting up one leg. Brown T-shirt with dumb, fluffy pink and blue and green feathers on it. Flowered flipflops.

Janitor: Blue overalls. (Sorry, I kinda have a thing for janitors.)

"So," Larry said, when we were done maneouvering our knees under the tiny cafe table. "Alice, Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter, Alice."

I nodded weakly at the other girl, mentally bracing myself for the onslaught that was sure to come. She smiled blindingly back at me.

Larry got up. "I'm just gonna get us some drinks, kay?" He winked at me and jerked his head at her, a move which presumably meant, 'Get along with her, okay?'

When he was gone, I groaned mentally and looked her in the eye. "So... Nice T-shirt."

She looked straight back at me. "Are you one of Larry's exes?"

"No! No, I'm just his friend."

"Just?"

"Yeah. Also his babysitter. I mean, you should've seen the things he got up to when we were kids!" She raised an eyebrow. I slumped back. "Or...not."

She hesitated. "Have you ever been anything... more?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Alice actually seemed... insecure. All of Larry's previous gf's were either bitchy to me, or engaged me in cat conversation: sheathed claws and purred insults, if you know what I mean.

"No."

She visibly relaxed. I mean, relaxing - that was new. I already kinda liked her, although she could probably gouge my eyes out with those painted nails. So I did something I had never done before.

"You should stay away from Larry."

She glanced at me, challenging. "Why?"

"Because... he's a womaniser. You should know that by now. He's gone out with practically every girl in his school."

"I know," she replied sadly, tilting her head, sending waves of reddish hair flowing over one shoulder. When I tilted my head, it looked like I had a crick.

I blinked. "Um... And you still wanna go out with him?"

"Yes. I'm hoping one day I can convert him. He's nice, and I really like him."

"He is," I agreed, before realising this was getting WAY too uncomfortable for both of us. I cleared my throat. "But somehow I doubt he's going to change. He's probably gonna grow up to be like Barney from How I Met Your Mother."

An incredible thing happened then. Alice threw her head back and laughed. LAUGHED! And in a nice way too, not mean or bitchy.

Larry came back then, with some glasses of Coke. He sat the tray down and twirled one straw in his fingers like a cigar. "Well, girls," he growled like that guy from Casablanca, "This looks like the start of a beautiful friendship."

"Could be," Alice grinned at him. He smiled back. And despite the earlier feeling of warmth between us two girls, I couldn't help facing the fact that she was with him. I had no one to smile to.

Except of course, the janitor. So I did.

And he freaked, looking at me weird before moving away.

I am a sad person.